Here's four can't-miss tips for having a safer and happier holiday season...
A plump and juicy turkey is the
cornerstone of many a holiday meal. But how do you pick a winning
piece of poultry? I recommend a fresh, unfrozen turkey because it's
all-natural and ready for immediate roasting. Some frozen turkeys
can contain preservatives and flavor enhancers that you don't
need. As for sizing your bird, my rule of thumb is to allow 1.5
lbs. of turkey per dinner guest to make sure there's enough to go
around.
If you're planning on traveling by car
during the holiday season, take note: you won't be alone. The
nation's highways are sure to be brimming with motorists eager to
get to their holiday destinations. For maximum safety, be sure to
allot yourself some extra time to get to wherever you're going.
Accidents occur when people are in a hurry. With proper planning,
you can avoid trouble altogether.
The holiday season is a time for good
times and good spirits. Unfortunately, some people get a little
carried away and feel the need to stir up trouble. Don't let some
big lunk disrespect your manhood; teach him a lesson. First,
deliver a sharp blow to the bridge of his nose. This will have
him seeing stars and give you the opportunity for dealing out
more damage. Follow your opening shot with a flurry of fierce
groin kicks and brutal kidney punches. For extra emphasis, use
inanimate objects such as chairs and whiskey bottles. When it's
all said and done, the guy will be sorry he troubled you.
Whoops, you knocked over the convenience
store and caught a souvenir from a minimum wage lackey trying to
be Charles Bronson. Going to a legitimate doctor is sure to put
you on the receiving end of some uncomfortable questions.
Fortunately, most gunshot wounds can be treated with some simple
first aid. Clean the wound with some hydrogen peroxide and locate
the projectile. Once found, use clean tools (tweezers, x-acto
knife, etc.) to remove the bullet. It's important to use clean
tools to limit the risk of infection. After the bullet is out,
cover and apply pressure to the wound to control bleeding. Note:
if the bullet happened to pierce a major organ, you're probably
screwed.
When you're tripping out on powerful hallucinogens
this holiday season, try not to lose sight of personal health and
hygiene. If you're an intravenous drug-user, it's important to
keep your needle to yourself. Sharing needles can expose you to a
wide range of blood-borne pathogens such as AIDS, hepatitis, and
the deadly ebola virus. Don't take any chances, make your syringe
off-limits to others.
direct words of encouragement and scathing criticism to twa@cstone.net