WHY ADOPT A(NOTHER) DOG?

A Survey of Some of the Less Compelling Reasons

The reasons why people should adopt a(nother) dog are so numerous and obvious (e.g. they make great companions, they're affectionate, playful, they'll guard your stuff, people who have pets live longer, etc, etc.) that we originally thought there would be no need to list them in this space. Upon further reflection, however, we decided it would be best to throw this question out for general comment and discussion from our vast world-wide readership to see what sort of responses we would get. What follows is a small sampling of the thousands of cards and letters we've received thus far:

(April 8, 1999) From a fellow who asks that we call him "Ishmael" (no last name or current address given), we received the following testimonial:
"Some years ago -- never mind how long precisely -- having maxed out my credit card and faced with the impossible prospect of student loan repayment, I thought I would adopt a dog. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing on the "Jerry Springer Show" while channel-surfing or starting to believe that professional wrestling is real; and especially whenever I start feeling so gnarly that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately popping a cap in somebody's ass -- then, I account it high time to adopt a dog as soon as I can. This is my substitute for a Prozac prescription or a Sport Utility Vehicle."

(April 13, 1999) Our next submission comes from a Harold Trumin of Independence, MO. Mr. Trumin describes himself as a retired haberdasher and a devoted reader of "The City of Dogs", and he wanted to express the following sentiment:
"If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog!"
St.Ella's handlers appreciate Mr. Trumin's pithy contribution, but we think he meant to say "academia" instead of "Washington"... although, come to think of it, it would work either way!
(April 16, 1999) One of our operators in the "City of Dogs" telecenter transcribed the following message from "ANONYMOUS, Jr.":
"I was always kind of lonely as a kid. I guess I just had the regular problems that all boys have growing up on the farm in Washington, D.C.: no one liked me, everyone said I was a `phony', a `liar', a `fake', and that I always made up ridiculously false and exaggerated stories about myself.... One day, however, I discovered that I could make friends with the neighborhood dogs by tying a stale porkchop to the inside of my back pocket -- boy, was I ever popular with the dogs after that! Shortly afterward, with my self-confidence restored, I invented the Internet...."

St.Ella's handlers wish to thank "Alnonymous" for calling in, but we're afraid we had to cut short the transcription of his remarks as he seems to have missed the point of this forum. As a service to readers who may wish to hear the rest of this story, however, we traced the phone call back to this number: (202) 456-2326, so you can call for yourselves to hear the rest of the story if you wish.
(April 18, 1999) NATO spokesmodel Jamie Shea offered this comment:
"The adoption of dogs is good because it provides compelling evidence -- as if any more were needed -- that the NATO air campaign against Serbia is an unprecedented masterpiece of both strategic planning and implementation and that Mr. Milosevic will be begging us for peace terms any day now."

We're not quite sure what exactly Mr. Shea meant by the above statement or, for that matter, by any of his statements thus far, but in fairness we should point out that he was only repeating what the voices in his head told him to say.
(April 23, 1999) Perennial Presidential hopeful Dan Quayle wrote in with the following observation:
"It's a good thing to adopt a doge because what a terrible thing it is to lose one's mind if one happened to have been born in this century which I was not."

We're very honored to have a former Vice President and current presidential candidate write in to our Web site, even if the contribution is not, strictly speaking, `on topic'. We are, however, grateful to Mr. Quayle for bringing to our attention the sad plight of the Venetian magistrates -- we must admit we didn't realize this particular class of official still existed in the modern world, much less that these office holders themselves were in need of good homes.
(May 4, 1999) D. Webe, who is in his late twenties or early thirties and who describes himself (between winks, nudges, and what is usually described as `knowing looks' in books sold at drugstores) as "something of a ladies' man", offered this observation:
"[sic throughout] Dogs are okay, but they kind of stinky. You put them in your yard and they just crap all the time, you know. But I really like the puppies. Puppies is different. In fact, I always try to keep a puppy around because of the girls -- ha! ha!. I tell you what, you get yourself a cute little puppy and the girls will to come to YOU -- I ain't lyin'! My friend says a puppy is a `babe magnet', and it's true -- I can always get pretty girls to talk to me when I've got a puppy around. I ain't lying to you, it works like a charm -- the girls come to me, and I don't have to just yell at them as they pass by on the street. I've met hundreds of pretty girls that way -- I ain't lyin' to you! I was even going to ask this one girl out on a date -- she was hot! -- but my momma was on my case that week about getting a job, see, and I knew she wasn't going to let me borrow her car anyway, so I didn't say anything...but I could tell she wanted me, I ain't lyin'!"

(May 10, 1999) Phil McCrevice, a UVA undergraduate and Commerce School student who had just finished up a grueling final exam schedule which allowed for very little sleep over a prolonged period of time, offered this insider's tip [again, sic throughout]:
"It's perfectly obvious, man! You get a dog -- no, you get a bunch of dogs -- because there's a fortune to be made on the commodities market in doghair futures! But you got to do it NOW -- and I mean like right NOW -- if you want to get in on the ground floor and make the really big bucks! Why can't anyone else see this?"

Number of persons reading this Web site who believe that Senator John McCain is a "Manchurian Candidate" programmed by his captors in Hanoi (since February 22, 2000):

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June 2, 1999