(at left) Audrey, thane of Glamis and of Cawdor, originally of Nelson, later of Li, finally of the house of Phillip and Li. When travelling incognito, Audrey sometimes uses the following aliases: Audie, the Little Princess, Sweet Pea, Pea, and Xiao Go (Little Dog).

(at right) Betty, originally of Azalea, later of Phillip, finally of the house of Li and Phillip. When trying to buy beer from area convenience stores, Betty has been known to use the following names: Betty Boop (way over 21!), Booper, Booper Scooper, Xiao Lo So (Little Complainer).

Audrey & Betty:

Audrey showed up on Li's Nelson County front porch in the early summer of 1990. Li was awakened by a scuffle outside one morning about 6:00am. When she stepped outside to see what was going on, there was a five month old and very petite Audrey, surrounded by three large dogs. In a television intervi ew with David Frost for the BBC in the mid-1990s, Audrey recalled that she was "just about to open up a can of kick-ass" on her three assailants when Li begged her to come inside. Not wishing to be rude, Audrey complied, thus, as she explained to an admiring David Frost, sparing the lives of "three ugly-ass mutts".

Once inside, Audrey made the acquaintance of Sugar (pictured below at right) who had already taken up residence with Li. Sugar gave Audrey "the skinny" on the home: "Life with Li is good. You don't want to leave. Besides, that crowd you were running with was ready to beat on you like a redheaded step-child." No dummy, Audrey heeded the advice and never strayed, despite her restless country girl heart.

Phillip and Li found Betty Azalea in Azalea Park in September 1997. She was six weeks old, 5.5 lbs., flea-bitten, worm-eaten, dirty, wet, hungry, and alone -- in short, everything anyone could possibly want in a dog!

Taking the logical approach, Phillip suggested they take the foundling to the SPCA where she would be cared for and put up for possible adoption. Li would have none of it. Realizing he was outnumbered, Phillip agreed at least to postpone the trip to the SPCA.

In the meantime, he took Betty home, bathed her, fed her, and watched her fall asleep under his t-shirt. After that first evening together, Phillip never really had a chance; Betty had found a good home.

One good home led to another; a year later, Li and Phillip were married. It took an army of lawyers and accountants to work out the details, but the net result was that Li's holdings (Sugar and Audrey) were consolidated with Phil's assets (Betty), thus bringing about one of the most dramatic mergers in the canine industry in recent history.

The Justice Department has looked askance at this merger and SEC lawyers are still looking over the fine print of the agreement to determine whether this union violates the Sherman Antitrust Act (1890).

Knowledgable observers, however, believe the house of Li & Phillip et al. has little to fear from trust-busting government lawyers because of the formidable precedent established by Mike & Carol Brady (1970).

Li claims that Audrey was named after the "sultry, sexy" character on "Twin Peaks"; my log, however, saw something different -- viz., that the woman who played "Holly Golightly" in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was at least a partial inspiration for the name.

The origin of Betty's name is far more complicated, but we breathed a huge sigh of relief when we discovered that the name was in NO way inspired by the story of "Betty the Yeti". Rather, the name stems, in part, from "Team Betty" -- because she is "both feminine and feisty". The primary source of the name, however, is nothing less than her own mommy. Li's given name was Betty and that is the name that appeared on her birth certificate. Once she reached adulthood, she had her name legally changed to Li, the Chinese equivalent. In one deft maneuver, the artist formerly known as "Betty" managed to preserve her ethnic heritage and transfer her student loan obligations to her dog!

For Audrey: "Drop everything for a pet" and "Wait Until Dark -- and I'll make you take me out yet again!"

For Betty: "Run like a girl!" and "Rule Bettania!" and "Boop-boop-adoop!"

For Betty: Full-contact dog-wrestling with, among other formidable opponents, Dakota, Maceo and Greta the Rottweiler.

Audrey's greatest pleasures come from the attentions of her SHOs. When they are otherwise occupied, however, almost any biped will do; her exceptional cuteness has enabled her over the years to "count on the kindness of strangers" for pats and even belly rubs. When in the company of other dogs, the petite princess gets a little charge secretly noting how "chunky" the "other bitches" have gotten.

For Audrey: (1) People who assume that just because she's thin, she must have an eating disorder;

For Betty: (1) People who claim that dog wrestling is "not real" or is somehow staged; (2) People who claim that playing tambourine on stage requires absolutely no musical talent; (3) Jughead when he's had a few too many beers because he tends to get "a little too friendly".

For Audrey: "The Lady and the Tramp".

For Betty: "The Princess and the Pea".

For Audrey: Princess Diana; for Betty: Amelia Earhart; for both Audrey & Betty: the new Jan Brady.

Number of Members of the newly formed "Audrey-Betty-Sugar Fan Club" (Since February 22, 2000): ,000