| Alfa Behavior: |
Or "Alf-Alfa behavior"; originally used to denote
the
bipedal practice of appearing in public on "bad hair days"
without shame
or remorse. Through general usage, the term has
come to refer to the more
particular circumstance that occurs when
otherwise sensible Significant
Human Others (SHOs) appear at dog
parks (or elsewhere in
the company of their dog) with utter
indifference
to personal grooming, hygiene, or choice of apparel.
The fact that
many otherwise circumspect and fastidious SHOs will,
for the sake of
giving their dog a good run at the park,
appear in
public with "Don King hair" or wearing "bama pants" is compelling
evidence that dogs are actually the dominant partner in their
relationship
with humans. |
| Animal Crackers: |
A term of scorn and derision, justly applied to
bipedal
units who give up on their dogs (or other animals).
We used to think the lowest form of human life was the
person who dropped off discarded pets at
the SPCA or other animal
shelters for less than compelling reasons (e.g.,
Sam). On the
basis of sad observation, however, we lowered our standards and came to the
conclusion that the person
who simply abandons his pets without making any provision for their
future care is truly the lowest of the low.
Lucy,
for example, was left behind at a local trailer park when her owner
moved away. |
| Anthropomorphic: |
The tendency of bipeds to ascribe distinctly
bipedal
qualities or characteristics to
animals, especially to
dogs. e.g. "St.Ella is very grumpy
today; sometimes she can
really be a bitch!" |
| Caninopomorphic: |
The tendency of canines to ascribe distinctly canine
qualities or characteristics to bipeds as, for example, when a
dog
believes bipeds in general are faithful, loyal, devoted,
affectionate,
intelligent, etc. despite a large body of evidence to
the
contrary. |
Canis Familiaris
Sui Generis: |
The original and formal Latin term for what the
barbarians,
who never really performed well on the verbal portion
of the SATs anyway,
came to call "mutts" (circa 410 A.D.). ("Mutt",
incidentally, is actually
a compound of
two words bearing absolutely
NO relation to the original Latin:
(1) "mutter" -- as in "to mutter",
which is what the barbarians would do
whenever faced with the
challenge of reciting the original Latin; and (2) "muddle" -- as in
"muddle-headed", which, unfortunately, continues to characterize
much bipedal thought regarding mixed-breed dogs.) The original
Latin
best captures the true nature of "mixed-breed" dogs: i.e.
that they
are -- each and every one of them -- truly original, unique and
wonderful in
themselves,
and no two will ever be
exactly alike. |
| Chew Sticks: |
def. 1: A tasty dog treat usually made from
rawhide
which dogs can consume in infinite quantities;
def.
2: literally, the legs of a table, chair, or sofa (in
practice,
however, any piece of furniture will
do) which dogs also enjoy
eating, especially when the first definition
above is not available
in adequate supply. |
| Dog Daze: |
The condition that results when
Significant Human Others unwittingly exhaust themselves in the attempt
to tire out their dogs. A typical scenario unfolds like this:
"Jennifer" (her real name) takes her dogs for a long walk
with the ulterior motive of being able to leave them at home later
so she can spend the evening with other bipedal quantities. Her dogs,
however, are wise to this ploy; they pace themselves during
the walk and force "Jennifer" to exert ever more energy in her effort
to tire them out. Soon after returning home, "Jennifer" discovers
she is far too tired to go out for the evening after all; as she
settles down for a night of channel surfing, her dogs are just getting
their second wind....
Scholars believe the origin of this term may be traced to the
fact that this
phenomenon occurs most frequently during the "dog days"
of summer (July 3-August 11). |
| Dogma: |
Literally, "dog mother" -- Dog-Ma; origin
unknown, but thought to be the "B" in S.O.B.; usage has varied over
time:
e.g., 1: "The teats on that ancient dogma must be
thoroughly
dessicated by now!", remarked the Political Scientist
(in vain); e.g., 2: "I'm afraid I must remain neutral in the
present controversy as I don't
have a dogma in this fight!", croaked
the
old farmer; e.g., 3: "Don't you be talking about my
dogma! At least I got a dogma instead of two bald-headed
Dadaists!",
replied the gutter-snipe to his
school-yard adversary. |
"Four legs good,
two legs bad": |
Odds-on favorite to be the most common message
spread
through p-mail (see below); confirmation of this probability,
however, awaits the work of CIA cryptographers working feverishly at
the
task of breaking the long elusive "pheromone code". |
| Goldilocks Syndrome: |
The tendency of most dogs to conduct an extensive
and
intensive "sampling" of ALL available indoor surfaces -- especially
those which their Significant Human Others have specifically tried to
bar
them from -- for "napping suitability". In fact, exhaustive
research has shown that, for most dogs, the desirability of a
given
chair, sofa, bed, etc. varies in direct proportion
with the efforts
of Significant Human Others to keep them from
it. |
| Herd Behavior: |
This phenomenon was first identified by
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) in his book, "Thus Spoke Zarathustra"
(By the way, few scholars have realized that "Zarathustra" translates into English as
"Son of Sam"). In this work, Nietzsche defined "herd behavior" as the tendency of
Significant Human Others to gather at dog parks and stand around in
a dim-witted cud-chewing butt-scratching
clump while their dogs have all the fun and get all the exercise. |
| Hound Mix: |
Scientific categorization given to puppies when it can
be said with
reasonable confidence that they are neither
pure-bred Chihuahuas,
nor pure-bred Great Danes, nor patrilineal
descendants of Thomas
Jefferson -- but nothing else
about their lineage can definitely
be ruled in or out. |
| House Broken: |
See the second definition of "chew sticks" above. |
| Joie de Vivre: |
All dogs are born with this. There are a few
recorded
instances where this peculiar condition has crossed the
"species barrier"
-- if only temporarily and partially -- and
influenced the behavior of
Significant Human Others (SHOs). |
| P-mail: |
Or pee-mail; the phenomenon of dogs relaying messages to each
through
their urine. e.g. "I'm concerned that Sam may be
dyslexic;
he takes forever to sniff just one hydrant!" |
| Pack Behavior: |
High anxiety, nervousness, or hyper-activity in dogs
which can be directly attributed to the sight of one or more of
their
Significant Human Others packing a suitcase. Not to be confused
with herd behavior (see above). |
| Package Check: |
Refers to the unfortunate and embarrassing tendency
of
nearly all dogs
to thrust their noses into the crotch of male bipedal
guests -- especially when
least expected. |
| Pavlovian Response: |
Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov (1849-1936) conducted
an
experiment in which he rang a bell just prior to feeding a dog.
After
repeating this procedure several times, he found that the dog
became "conditioned" to the stimulus of the ringing bell and would
commence salivating whenever the bell was wrung, whether the sound
was followed by food or not. The fact that Pavlov thought this was
a
significant finding is a dead give away that he was NOT a dog owner
and
knew nothing about the species; as any experienced dog owner
could have
told him, ALL dogs associate ALL stimuli
with food
or eating ALL the time. Furthermore, any dog owner could
also
have told Mr. Pavlov that an experiment that produces dog drool
as "proof"
is about as scientifically valid as an experiment that
produces a Tuesday
next week. A true scientific breakthrough will be
achieved when they
discover how to get dogs to STOP drooling! So much
for the limitations of
the bipedal mind! |
| Peanuts Envy: |
Sigmund Freud, who might best be described
as "Dr. Ruth with ontological pretensions," was the first to identify
and describe this phenomenon. In Freud's analysis, "peanuts envy"
is a fundamental driving force in
human behavior acquired during the "id" (short for "idiot") phase
of human development. In brief, "peanuts envy" describes the nearly
universal human
longing for a dog that will NEVER need to be house trained,
walked, fed, spayed or neutered, taken to the vet, flea-combed,
nail-clipped, and bathed three times in a row just when your back is
killing you because it rolled
heartily in the stench of a rotting deer carcass and you've got dinner
guests coming in 15 minutes, etc., etc. The vast majority of human beings never
outgrow this immature longing; in dangerously abnormal psychological
cases, this longing becomes actual expectation;
fortunately, a few human beings actually grow out of it and learn,
gradually and painfully, to distinguish between stuffed animals and
the real thing. |
| PETA: |
An acronym standing for "People Even regarded as
Tiresome by
Animals". |
| Pooper-Scooper: |
A rare and obscure mechanical device bearing some
uncertain
relationship to dogs and their Significant Human Others
-- i.e. believed
to perform some necessary and useful
function, but few seem to know
what that might be;
seldom seen and
even more seldom used. |
| "Putting on the Dog": |
Literally, "to assume heirs" as when some types of
AKC-affiliated bipeds insist on
reciting in laborious detail the
blood lines of their pride and joy for
any and all who will listen
(or at least stand still). In everyday usage,
however, the
phrase
has come to have the broader meaning of: "to assume
airs", which
describes the tendency of dog owners to take credit for the
attributes and achievements of their dogs as in the following
example
(taken from real life): "I attribute the success Ellie [a
purebred
Labrador
Retriever] has had in learning the game of "fetch"
to the superiority and
rigor of my training technique." In any case,
"Putting on the
Dog" must NOT be confused with "Putting IT on the
Dog" which
describes what happens when bipeds falsely attribute
the results of their own
flatulence to their canine
companions. |
| Share-Wear: |
Denotes the universal tendency of very wet dogs to wait until they've
gotten within very close range to their SHO or other bipedal quantity before shaking off
vigorously and drenching all those standing nearby. Many animal behavior experts (like we
really know any!) theorize that dogs deliberately soak humans as a way of retaliating
for the painful and humiliating ordeal of "bathing" that humans have subjected dogs to for
centuries. The cityofdogs.com's research staff believes, however, that while
dogs do indeed drench humans deliberately and mischievously, they do NOT do so maliciously;
on the contrary, dogs are simply trying to "share" the water experience with humans (cf.
joie de vivre above). Embarrassed by the "herd behavior" (see above) of their
SHOs, dogs attempt to drench the humans they care for the most in an attempt to at least
make it look like they're having a good time. |
| Spell Check: |
The sad spectacle that occurs when two or more
bipeds
attempt to carry on a normal conversation within earshot of a
dog with a
large vocabulary. Sooner or later the bipeds realize three
things: (1)
they have to spell certain words out in order not to
send the dog into a
frenzy of hyperactivity; (2) they have to
anticipate and eliminate key
homonyms and rhymes from their speech;
(3) they are not as well-educated
as they thought they were. |
| Steaming Divot: |
The "Scatological Thesaurus"
(Barn's Ignoble
Books, 1999) lists this as a popular
slang reference
to what is known more formally in the scientific community
as
"doggie doo". In a lesser known work, early 19th century
English
political
economist Thomas Malthus (1766-1834) predicted that, as a
consequence of
the exponential growth of the canine population
throughout the world, the
earth's surface would be entirely covered
in dog waste by 1969 at the
latest. Malthus's prediction was too
pessimistic, of course, because at
the time of his writing science
had not yet discovered that dog waste is actually
cleaned up on a
regular basis by elves who live in the woods. |
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